Marriage is often seen as a sacred bond, a lifetime commitment between two people. But what does it truly take to make a marriage last? Is it enough to be faithful, or are there deeper, more complex layers that we must consider? Through my journey, I have come to realize that infidelity, while crucial, is just one aspect of an unsuccessful marriage. There are many other factors at play, each one capable of making or breaking a relationship.
“Cheating is not always about the act; it’s about the choice.”
When I was a student studying biology, I saw sex as a simple biological process—a physical act between two bodies. I believed, quite naively, that having multiple sexual partners or casual dating was harmless. After all, what’s wrong with exploring one’s desires if there’s no emotional attachment involved?
But life has a way of teaching you lessons that no textbook ever could. After entering into a serious relationship, and later marriage, I began to understand the gravity of cheating. It’s not just about having sex with someone else; it’s about the betrayal of trust, the breaking of a promise, and the pain it inflicts on the person you vowed to love. Infidelity, I realized, isn’t merely a physical act; it’s an emotional crime. Staying faithful is challenging, especially when you’re constantly bombarded with temptations, but it’s a choice you make every day—one that defines your character and your relationship.
“Casual sex may be common, but so is heartbreak.”
In today’s world, casual sex and extramarital affairs have become almost normalized. It’s not uncommon to hear people say, “It’s just sex, no strings attached.” But can you truly separate the physical from the emotional? What happens when one partner sees casual sex as harmless, while the other views it as a betrayal? These differing perspectives can create a chasm between partners, one that can be difficult, if not impossible, to bridge.
The same principle applies to other aspects of marriage, like dreams and career ambitions. What if your aspirations don’t align with those of your partner? One might dream of a quiet life, while the other yearns for adventure and risk. How do you navigate these differences without losing yourself or sacrificing your happiness?
“Compatibility is not just a luxury; it’s a necessity.”
This brings me to a crucial realization: compatibility matters more than we often acknowledge. Before saying “I do,” it’s essential to have those uncomfortable conversations, to discuss your values, beliefs, and expectations. It’s not just about love; it’s about understanding and respecting each other’s views on fidelity, ambition, lifestyle, and even mundane things like finances and household responsibilities.
I often say, “Before you check your Kundli (astrological charts), check your compatibility.” But this isn’t limited to emotional compatibility. It’s also about physical and mental health. Know each other’s medical history, and blood groups, and even consider a compatibility test with a relationship therapist. These might seem like minor details, but they can have significant implications for your future together.
“One life, one choice, endless consequences.”
We all have just one life to live, and the choice of a life partner is one of the most critical decisions we will ever make. It’s a choice that can shape our entire future, for better or for worse. I have learned, sometimes the hard way, that choosing the right partner is not just about love or attraction. It’s about finding someone whose values align with yours, who respects your dreams and desires, and who will stand by you in times of joy and sorrow.
“Man proposes, but God disposes.”
Ultimately, we can plan and prepare, but life is unpredictable. Things may not always go according to our wishes. But I believe in the power of good karma—what you give is what you get. Be honest, be kind, and make choices that align with your values. In the end, it’s not just about finding the right partner; it’s about being the right partner.
9 things to consider before getting married
Marriage is often compared to a dance, requiring balance, rhythm, and understanding between partners. At its core, a successful marriage hinges on several key components. Among these, compatibility and communication are paramount, but aspects like financial harmony, shared goals, and personal growth also play crucial roles. Let’s explore these elements through real-life examples, shedding light on how they shape enduring partnerships.
1. Compatibility: The Foundation of Harmony
Compatibility is the bedrock upon which a strong marriage is built. It encompasses values, beliefs, interests, and life goals. Consider the story of Sarah and Mike, a couple who have been together for over a decade. Sarah, a schoolteacher, values honesty and integrity above all else. Mike, an artist, shares these values but expresses them differently. Once, when Sarah discovered that Mike had sold a painting and hadn’t told her immediately, she felt a wave of betrayal. “Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked, her voice tinged with hurt. Mike replied, “I wanted to surprise you with a special dinner, using the money I earned.” This situation, while simple, highlighted their differences in communication but also their shared value of honesty. They learned to always discuss their plans openly, realizing that their compatibility lay in their shared values, even if expressed differently.
2. Communication: The Lifeline of Marriage
Effective communication is the lifeline of any marriage. It’s about expressing feelings honestly and listening actively. Take the example of John and Maria, married for five years. John had a habit of bottling up his feelings whenever he felt stressed at work. Maria, on the other hand, preferred to talk about her day, sharing even the tiniest details. This difference led to misunderstandings. “Why don’t you talk to me?” Maria would often ask. “I’m just tired,” John would reply, not wanting to burden her. Over time, Maria realized that John’s silence wasn’t a sign of disinterest, and John learned that sharing his thoughts helped lighten his emotional load. They developed a habit of having a ‘talk time’ each evening, where they discussed their day, no matter how tired they were. This practice deepened their connection, showing that communication is not just about talking but about understanding and being understood.
3. Financial Compatibility: Money Matters
Money is a common source of tension in many relationships. Financial compatibility, or the lack thereof, can either strengthen or strain a marriage. Emily and James are a perfect example. Emily is a saver, meticulously planning every expense, while James is a spender, often indulging in impulse buys. “Do we really need another gadget?” Emily would question, while James would argue, “What’s the point of earning if we can’t enjoy?” Their differing attitudes towards money led to frequent arguments until they decided to sit down and talk about their financial goals. They agreed to a budget that allowed James some spending freedom while ensuring they saved for their future. This compromise helped them avoid conflicts and work towards shared financial stability, proving that understanding each other’s financial habits is essential.
4. Family Background: Understanding Roots
A person’s family background significantly impacts their beliefs, personality, and worldview. For instance, consider Alex and Priya. Alex grew up in a conservative household, where traditions were strictly followed, and roles were clearly defined. Priya, on the other hand, was raised in a liberal family, where flexibility and open-mindedness were encouraged. When they married, their different backgrounds led to challenges, especially during family gatherings. “In my family, women don’t serve food,” Priya would say, while Alex would counter, “But in my family, it’s a sign of respect.” They realized that understanding and respecting each other’s backgrounds was crucial. They began to blend traditions, creating their own unique way of doing things. This not only respected both their heritages but also brought them closer, highlighting that understanding each other’s past is key to building a harmonious future.
5. Conflict Resolution: Finding Common Ground
Conflicts are inevitable in any marriage, but how couples handle them can make all the difference. Lisa and Mark faced a significant challenge when deciding where to live. Lisa loved the city’s hustle and bustle, while Mark longed for the tranquility of the countryside. Their differing preferences led to heated arguments. “I can’t imagine living without the energy of the city,” Lisa would argue. “And I can’t stand the noise and chaos,” Mark would counter. They realized that continuing to fight wouldn’t solve anything. They began to listen to each other’s viewpoints, understanding the reasons behind their preferences. Eventually, they found a compromise: a house in the suburbs, close enough to the city for Lisa but quiet enough for Mark. This taught them the importance of listening, compromising, and finding solutions that worked for both, emphasizing that conflict resolution is about respect and finding common ground.
6. Lifestyle Compatibility: Balancing Interests
Lifestyle compatibility is another essential aspect of a successful marriage. It involves finding a balance in how partners choose to spend their time. Take the case of Rachel and Tom. Rachel loves socializing, often hosting parties and gatherings, while Tom prefers quiet evenings at home, reading or watching movies. “Why don’t we ever have a night in?” Tom would often ask, feeling overwhelmed by Rachel’s social calendar. Rachel, on the other hand, felt isolated when they stayed in too often. They recognized that their different preferences were causing tension and decided to find a balance. They agreed to have a few social events a month while also scheduling quiet nights in. This compromise ensured that both their needs were met, showing that lifestyle compatibility is about understanding and respecting each other’s preferences.
7. Shared Goals: Building a Future Together
Shared goals and dreams form the glue that binds couples together. It’s essential for couples to have common aspirations for their future. Anie and Dravid, married for ten years, had different views on starting a family. Anie was eager to have children, while Dravid wasn’t sure if he ever wanted them. “I feel like I’m ready to be a parent,” Anie would express, her eyes full of hope. Dravid, however, would respond, “I’m just not sure I’m cut out for it.” This difference became a source of tension until they decided to explore their feelings and fears about parenthood together. After many heartfelt conversations, they agreed to wait a few years before making a final decision, focusing on building their careers and traveling. This approach allowed them to grow together, reinforcing the importance of shared goals in a marriage.
8. Emotional Compatibility: Supporting Each Other
Emotional compatibility is the ability to connect and support each other on a deeper level, especially during tough times. Consider the story of Ben and Priya. When Ben lost his job, he felt like a failure, and his confidence shattered. “I don’t know what to do,” he confided to Priya, tears in his eyes. Priya, sensing his despair, replied, “We’ll get through this together. I believe in you.” Her unwavering support and belief in his abilities helped Ben regain his confidence. He found a new job, one that he loved even more than the last. Priya’s support during Ben’s difficult time strengthened their bond, illustrating that emotional compatibility involves being there for each other, no matter what life throws their way.
9. Personal Growth: Evolving Together
Marriage is a journey of personal growth and development. It’s about supporting each other’s dreams and ambitions. Sahana and Ryan exemplify this perfectly. Sahana had always dreamed of going back to school to get her degree, but she hesitated, thinking it would be too much of a burden. “Do you think it’s a good idea?” she asked Ryan one evening. “Absolutely,” Ryan encouraged her. “I’ll take care of things at home. You’ve always supported me; now it’s my turn to support you.” Ryan’s encouragement gave Sophie the courage to pursue her dreams. She completed her degree, feeling fulfilled and more connected to Ryan than ever. This experience showed that personal growth is essential in marriage, as it allows partners to evolve together, supporting each other’s aspirations.
Ask these questions to see if you’re compatible
When You’re Getting Married
Imagine you’re on the verge of tying the knot, or maybe you already have. These questions are designed to dive deep into the heart of your relationship, helping you and your partner connect on a more intimate level. As Skyler wisely puts it, “We don’t have to agree on everything, but there should be enough common ground to build a fulfilling life together.” These questions will help you discover if you’re truly in sync.
“What does marriage mean to you?”
Ask each other what the institution of marriage represents. Is it a lifelong commitment, a partnership, or something else? This conversation can reveal your core beliefs and expectations.
“How do you think being married will change our relationship?”
Discuss the ways in which marriage might shift the dynamics between you, whether it’s deepening your bond or introducing new challenges.
“Do marriage and having children go hand in hand for you?”
Explore whether the idea of marriage naturally includes having children for both of you or if it’s something you see as separate.
“Why is it important to you that we get married on this date?”
Talk about the significance of the wedding date. Is it tied to a personal or family tradition, or is there another reason that makes it special?
“How much say should our families have in the wedding planning?”
Consider how involved you want your family to be in planning the wedding, balancing their input with your own vision for the day.
“What’s the best wedding you’ve ever attended, and why did it stand out?”
Share your favorite wedding experiences and discuss what made them memorable. This can help shape your own ideas for your special day.
“What would your ideal wedding budget look like?”
Have an open conversation about finances and what you’re both comfortable spending on the wedding. This is an important step in avoiding future conflicts over money.
“What’s your favorite wedding scene from a movie or TV show?”
Reflect on a wedding scene that resonates with you and discuss why it stands out. This could provide inspiration for your own ceremony.
“How long would you like to spend planning our wedding?”
Determine the timeline that works best for both of you, considering how much time and energy you’re willing to invest in the preparations.
“What do you envision for our first wedding anniversary?”
Dream together about how you might celebrate your first year of marriage, setting the tone for your shared future.
“Does the idea of marriage excite you? Why or why not?”
Open up about your feelings towards marriage, whether they are of excitement, anxiety, or a mix of both.
“When did you realize you wanted to marry me?”
Revisit the moment when you knew you wanted to spend the rest of your life with your partner. This question can rekindle the romance and remind you of why you’re taking this step.
“How did you imagine your wedding when you were a child?”
Share childhood dreams and fantasies about weddings. Even if they’ve changed, this can be a fun way to connect over past hopes.
“What are your views on divorce?”
Discuss your thoughts on divorce, understanding that while no one enters marriage expecting it to end, it’s important to know each other’s perspectives.
“If we could do anything, where do you see us in 20 years?”
Imagine your future together, painting a picture of where you’d like to be, both individually and as a couple.
“What are your thoughts on signing a prenuptial agreement?”
Address the topic of prenuptial agreements openly, considering how it might affect your relationship and your sense of security.
“Do you envision us both working or one of us staying home?”
Talk about your expectations regarding work and home life, and how you see your roles evolving.
“Do you believe in couples therapy?”
Explore your views on seeking outside help if the relationship needs it, and whether you see therapy as a proactive tool or a last resort.
“What does being a spouse mean to you?”
Finally, share your definition of what it means to be a husband or wife. This can help clarify your roles and responsibilities in the marriage.
When You’re Ready For Kids
When you’re ready to start or grow your family, it’s essential to ensure you both share the same dreams and values about raising children. Building a family together is one of the most meaningful journeys you can embark on, and having a unified vision will strengthen your relationship for the long haul.
Imagine sitting together on a quiet evening, holding hands, and asking each other these heartfelt questions:
- Have you always seen yourself as a parent, or is the thought of having children something new that’s been growing in your heart?
- What kind of parents do you think we’ll be? When you picture yourself in that role, what do you see? And how do you envision me as a parent?
- How do you feel about the idea of adoption? Is it something you could see us embracing, or do you feel a deep connection to having biological children?
- How do you think you’ll handle the ups and downs of pregnancy and labor, or if we adopt, the emotional journey that comes with it?
- When you dream about our family, how many children do you see? Do you imagine us surrounded by a big, bustling family, or do you picture something more intimate?
- What values do you feel are most important for us to teach our children? How do you want to help shape who they become?
- What parts of yourself do you hope our children inherit, and what do you see in me that you’d love for them to have?
- Are there any habits or traits of yours that you hope our children don’t pick up?
- If you’re already a parent, how has the experience been for you? Is it what you expected, or has it surprised you in ways you never imagined?
- What do you think our children will teach us, or what do you hope to learn from them as they grow?
- When you think about our children’s education, what do you envision? Are there specific values, skills, or knowledge that you believe are essential for them to learn?
- How do you want us to approach the tough conversations about the complexities and harsh realities of the world with our kids?
- What was the most important lesson you learned as a child? How do you hope to pass that wisdom on to our children?
- What is the greatest gift your parents gave you, in terms of love or knowledge? How do you want to offer something similar to our kids?
- Do you believe in discipline, and if so, how do you think we should approach it as a team?
- Is there something your parents did that you want to avoid repeating with our children?
- Do you feel confident that we’ll have the time, energy, and love to raise our children in the way they deserve?
When You’re Retiring
As Skyler wisely puts it, “We’re always changing and growing.” Even as you approach retirement, there’s still so much more to learn about each other. Retirement is a unique chapter in life—a time when you can truly reconnect. “It offers the space and time to rediscover and rekindle your love for each other,” Williams suggests. Imagine how much you’ve both evolved over the years. Now is the perfect opportunity to strengthen your bond, to truly see each other for who you are today. It’s about refreshing the nurturing and romance in your relationship, whether that’s through date nights, travel, or creating new memories together.
Balancing Today and Tomorrow:
“How do we enjoy our lives today while also planning for our future together?”
Timing it Right:
“Should we retire at the same time, or would it make sense to stagger our retirements?”
Dream Home:
“Where do you see us living during our retirement? Is there a special place you’ve always dreamed of?”
Financial Freedom:
“How much money do we truly need to feel secure in our retirement? What can we do now to ensure that?”
Our Nest Egg:
“What will we do with the money we’ve saved? How do we want to spend or invest it?”
Retirement Age:
“What age do you need to be to retire from your company, and what does that timeline look like?”
Family Ties:
“How important is it for us to be near our family members? What role do they play in our retirement plans?”
Anticipating the Future:
“What are you most excited about as you think about retirement? What are you looking forward to the most?”
Daily Life:
“How do you envision spending our days and evenings? What would our ideal routine look like?”
Hobbies and Passions:
“What activities or hobbies would you like to pursue once we retire? How can we support each other’s interests?”
Wanderlust:
“Are you interested in traveling once we retire? If so, where would you like to go, and how often?”
Staying Active:
“Would you consider working part-time or starting a small business in retirement? How do you see us staying active and engaged?”
Staying Connected:
“How can we maintain a close emotional connection with our adult children? What’s important for us in this new dynamic?”
Changing Roles:
“How will we navigate the changes in our roles now that our children are grown? What does that look like for us?”
Downsizing:
“Do you think we should downsize our home, or would you prefer to keep more space for family visits?”
A Room for Family:
“Should we keep an extra room in case one of the kids needs to move back home, or should we prioritize our space differently?”
Health and Wellbeing:
“How can we maintain our health and well-being during retirement? What steps should we take now?”
Preparing for Challenges:
“What plans should we make in case one of us faces health challenges like dementia or physical limitations? How do we want to support each other?”
Support System:
“Who will be our support system as we age? How can we build a network that we trust?”
Care and Support:
“Are we prepared to let the kids move back home if one of us needs care, or would we seek help elsewhere?”
Managing It All:
“How will we handle healthcare, taxes, and home upkeep during our retirement? Should we start planning for these now?”
End-of-Life Planning:
“Have we organized our affairs for when the time comes? Should we review our wills and estate planning together?”
Planning for the Future:
“When should we sit down and discuss our wills and estate planning? How can we manage our budget to account for inflation or economic changes?”
Final Wishes:
“Can we talk about our wishes for end-of-life care? What’s most important to each of us?”
When You’re Reflecting On Life Together
Reflecting on our shared journey can be a powerful way to connect, especially as we grow older. By revisiting the past, we not only bond over cherished memories but also gain insights into what has made our relationship strong. As we continue to grow together, it’s important to nurture our connection and remain open to change, ensuring we don’t become too set in our ways.
- How can we continue to nurture our relationship as we grow older, ensuring we stay open to new experiences and don’t get stuck in our ways?
- What are some ways you’d like to nurture our social relationships as we age? What friendships or connections mean the most to you?
- Looking back, what are some of your favorite memories from our life together?
- If you could go back and change anything about our journey together, what would you do differently?
- Do you feel fulfilled by the work you’ve done in your career? What moments stand out as the most meaningful?
- What accomplishment of mine are you most proud of? And what about your own achievements—what fills you with the most pride?
- What’s been your favorite memory with our children? Do you feel like we’ve given them what they need to be happy and successful in life?
- Is there anything you’d change about how we raised our children, knowing what we know now?
- If we could go anywhere together, where would you want to go? What’s been the best vacation we’ve taken—should we go back someday?
- When you look back at our life together, what makes you the most proud?
- What are your dreams and goals for us as we move forward into this next chapter of our lives?
- Do you feel like you’ve made a difference in the world? How do you see your contributions?
- What do you consider the most important milestones in our relationship? How have those moments shaped who we are today?
- How does our life today compare to what we once imagined? In what ways has our relationship grown stronger over the years?