I didn’t sleep well that night, as I had a tough fight with my parents regarding all wrong decisions I have made out of my emotion.
I put myself on the darkest side, where no light can pass; I was scared of facing the reality of my life and the light; I didn’t know whether it would b mercy for me or a unknown threat. My parents are worried, as I am still living in my past, they worried, as they love me from their heart. They want I should move on, but I don’t know why my heart always cries aloud, whereas my lip makes no noise. Most often, I can’t be able to speak as my throat dry quickly while I try to hold my tear in front of others. I feel suffocated as I can’t make others understand the fundamental conflict between my heart and mind.
Sometimes, I am also confused. Am I doing something odd, or it’s other’s assumptions? I kept asking myself whether I live in the past, but all I could come up with were further questions. How could someone my age with the same situation and life not live in the past? How could they overcome? I always look for this particular answer.
Sometimes I feel most of my life was behind me, and very little still lay ahead. Whereas, the reality is reverse, I still have a whole future before me. I want to be kind-hearted, but I never want to be a fool of others’ emotions. I am sure, one day, my wounds will heal, and I will retain only what will be best for me. I don’t want to dwell in my past, but my past still coexists with the present in another way around, It continued to wrangle with me in the form of photo albums.
I don’t want to be an immigrant in the past, but I don’t have any option to get rid of such pain too. I am looking for a new way to get rid of this stigma which burns me with uncertainty.
Perhaps the past is like an unforgotten love which tendered my heart with its softness. It is like a paradise towards hell. I lost my youth in a cage of others’ thoughts and judgments. The day I lost it, I felt like the whole universe loved me and I belonged to everywhere else, but my happiness was like a water bubble which burst within an eye blink. My memories are divided into two parts; most are filled with deprivation, and displacement. On the other hand, a few of my memories live in prosperous times, which I still remember and believe were real, and I want to stay in that time forever.
The love story of my life
My name Joy and I met my wife, “Sara”, in a sarcastic way; she is the kind of girl who can make you laugh and cry at the same time, that leaping, dancing ball of energy which would hurl herself around with wild enthusiasm. She is cute, with thick wavy brown hair that bounces when she walks.
Even I can elaborate a little bit more in this way, too – she is an artist, an innovator, and she danced like no one else: you’d see his whole-body pulsing with the music. Whoever don’t be a part of her meaningless conversation which she can turn into a flavorful affair. She is a normal with a fusion of madness and I always dream for a normal flavorful love story of mine with happy ending. I want my love story would be fill with emotions, love and full of romance, it’s not a movie, it’s my real life and I feel I got someone special which I have been searching since very long time. She is very special, as I always dream for a girl like her and she is the reality not my day dream.
All loved her, but no one can be a part of her love story yet, which was fascinating for me as I always love rare species. That’s how our love story began, I proposed to her first, and she looked at me without blinking.
That day was lucky, we get the first shower of rain together like God grace. We’d go walking in the rain, and My coat was too big for her, my hoodie covered her whole face. I was blushing inside as we walked together, and I was with my first crush. She was the first girl who owned my heart for the first time. And then, when the lightning frightened us, an old tree covered and sheltered us for the wrong time to pass; within the hurricane, we found immense love within, and when we went to kiss, we bumped teeth because all sense of space has been lost. And then I started falling in love with her, and I had no words to say about how I felt that day. Still, it was a different feeling all total I can say, then when the thundersome passed, we took our first drive together inside the rain forest, through hills, rain shrouded and fir trees interrupted by precisely rowed vineyards. We were crazy and didn’t even know our end destination, but we didn’t want to stop. We pass through a river, stayed there one night and that was our first date night.
3 Weeks later, I marked a day when our dating culture was supposed to be over, I surprised her with a visit and said, “Will you be my better half for a lifetime”. I proposed to her with a golden ring, and she said Yes! Without any second thought. That is the best day of my life when I could feel all my dreams turning into reality? For the first time, I thought I had found someone with whom I could share everything from sorrow to pleasure, who will my friend in crime and life partner for my whole life. I gave my whole heart without any second thought.
My happiness was like a king without any crown.
Sometimes I wonder why God is doing so much injustices with me. All my dreams and future turn into ash in just an eye blink.
I went to my home town, to my parent’s home for a few days, then when I returned, I couldn’t find Sara. I searched for her here and there, but no answer. I felt like I was living in hallucinations or daydreaming with a person who never exists in my entire life. I felt so bad even though I had no other way to escape myself, which changed my life 360 degrees. My whole life turned into darkest in the sunlight.
It has been a long time. Still, I can’t get rid of the trauma of my life. The night passed within the blanket, with many dreams and thoughts in the darkest moments.
Suddenly my alarm buzzed, and I felt like I didn’t sleep the whole night,
Is it 5:30 Am? I forced myself to get up and finish my daily activities without any breaks.
I calm my mind with meditation as I want to take a break from my dream island.
I feel peace at sunrise that surpasses all understanding; it’s a renewal for a new beginning. A feeling that always gives positive vibes that anything is possible.
I want to drag myself from my comfort zone to enjoy the sunrise’s splendor and let me forget all the mishappening that happened in my past days.
That was a different morning. As I turned to see where the unexpected voice was coming, a voice very close to my heart, the first light of dawn, revealed the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Sara wore no makeup, a white kurta, and different hair style like I had met her last time. It was apparent she had made no effort to look beautiful, yet her inner spark couldn’t be hidden. She came close, said sorry with a teary eye, and handed me a paper. That was her medical prescription, which mentioned she had been in treatment for cancer for the last one year. Something changed that first moment I saw her, and my heart melted within a fraction of a second, my all hate and anger turned into love. She said she had spent years guarding her secret spot, and now, surprisingly, unexpectedly, delightfully, she wanted nothing more than to share her sunrise with her loved one.
The few moments of silence that followed were both loud and revealing. Sara wasn’t there for small talk and then walk away; she was there to admire the beauty of sunrise and stay together as she had much less time to survive. We sat silent and watched as the sun peeked over the horizon, covering the two of us in its warming light. We both carried on a conversation without words, knowing how we lived those years. She told me silently that she understood the moment’s importance, and I responded that it was made all the more special because she was there to share it.
I always look for perfect love, I can’t believe when it turns true, but I never want such love that I need to lose my better half one day. I always prayed before God for a lifetime grace of love. So many thoughts ran through my mind; however, I was silent, as I trusted her blindly, and I felt bad as I was not there for her when she needed me badly. After a few months, I would never see her again, and this thought made me overwhelmingly sad.
Then in a silly conversation, we remind our dates, first kisses, and the words “I love you” and exchange our fate or intention to love in intense.
Our initial conversation in the hotel:
Sara: Is this chair free
Joy: You are free to sit here; I’d love that.
I started flirting without any reason, and I resisted you taking the chair and started convincing you to the seat next to me
Sara: I have my friends, who are waiting
Joy: I feel so pity for you! A girl taking a chair to join with her friends?
Joy: Hmm, I Guess you don’t have any boyfriend
Sara: Can you please allow me to take this chair
Joy: One condition, I also wanna join you guys from your end as your friend
Sara: what? It’s ok, you can!
Joy: I love to see that. Let me take this chair for you, then
** Sara blushed and smiled – the cutest moment
During our party, we both looked at the same sunset together, and we didn’t know one day, our fate would bring us the same situation in a painful way.
Lifetimes are only lifetimes when viewed in reverse. Our cup of coffee became a dinner date. A dinner date became a commitment. A commitment became a proposal, and a proposal became forever.
You never know the last time is the last until it’s too late.
Four months later, I lost her. Like that first day at the lake, I watched her as she left me alone, this time without the hope of returning. The sadness I felt from years back flooded over me like a tidal wave.
